Crying isn"t always because of bad things...
The BIG , HAIRY, SCARY vs the LONG ANTICIPATED WONDERFUL THING has happened and those huge emotions that built minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day are still feeling like a monstrous balloon inside your brain, your heart, maybe even your body. But now it's over! Along with relief maybe there is joy, OR maybe great grief and a sense of loss, maybe also a closing down of the old and and opening up of possibility? A bright new future? And this is where crying shows it's greatest value to emotional health.
MY STORY
I was the child of steel... nothing and nobody could make me cry.... Instead by holding back this one emotion, the effort to NOT cry made me think harder about ways to fix a bad situation; in effect to push emotion out of the way of intellect. So maybe choosing when to cry and when to strategize isn't such a bad thing. This was the child-me, but when I became a teen, I didn't know how to let down my guard, to share my emotions with friends - I had very few friends. When I was still a teen my Mom died, I couldn't cry for months and while I was the strong one everybody came to for support, this strength actually alienated me from my grieving family. Later, when my young husband got sick, I had no outlet for my fear and appeared to be strong but unapproachable. This eventually led to divorce decades later. Even when I was feeling hurt and rejected, there might have a sob or two and a moment for tears in private, but then it was all sucked back into my spine and I carried on... fear and all... I felt all the emotions but could not express them physically through tears... The result was devastating. By the age of 29, I became very physically sick because my body stored all the earlier emotions which in turn triggered physical illness. This condition has endangered my life ever since. When I learned to open to my emotions after the age of 50, my physical health improved. Interesting my emotional health was rarely at risk.
The CRIERS
Yes... there are those relentless criers who add to the earth's water supply in copious amounts but this is how they express and even identify themselves. It is how they are and perhaps we can love them for who they are and even accept their tears as one of the delightful quirks that makes them unique and lovable. But our conversation today isn't about loving any person other than yourself, the adult-you and the parent-you, who is guiding yourself to make sense of your life, so you can help your kids to make sense of theirs.
Parent-the-Parent Home Study - Today's Thought Byte...
Parents who do not honour tears shed by their kids or themselves, have firmly closed and locked a very powerful communications tool. Babies cry, it's how they communicate their earliest needs and we learn to speak baby by deciphering the sounds of the cries. Toddler are much the same as babies and crying is how they communicate without adequate vocabulary. Older children have honed this skill and now need our help to know when to cry and when to use their words and intellect. And so it goes until the child becomes the adult.
Parents it is your responsibility to teach communication skills and to allow tears as the overflow-valve and the communicator.
Parents are a whole other version of the adult when it comes to crying. When the adult parent cries silently, in private without making a sound, we might call this depression or being strong. When the adult parent cries out loud in the company of other adults we might call this a cry for support from our peers. When the adult parent cries in the presence of their child, we might call this a shared moment or we might call it weakness, OR we might call it manipulation. It all depends on your point of view and of the circumstances and history of this particular adult.
Parents learn your crying triggers, notice the patterns and learn how to ask yourself, "what, why, when, how and where", you will be comfortable showing emotion through tears.
Science has proven that crying is an emotional safety valve which, when shut off and locked up blocks a part of our self understanding and self appreciation in ways the deny our intense humanity. Every animal cries. Even plants weep when cut and wither when exposed to harsh emotions. So why do we, as an intelligent species deny, ridicule and emotionally lock up the one god-given outlet gifted to every species on earth?
Crying releases pent-up energies both happy and sad.
Crying is the pause that let's us reframe what's going on. There are the happy tears too! Like when a baby is safely delivered, or your child is getting married, graduating, first day of anything... happy, scared, both scared and happy tears.
Crying let's others know you need some emotional response from them.
Crying clears emotional space in a physical way.
My daughters learned from ME how to lock up their emotions. They have had to UNDO this damage without my help before damaging their own relationships or health. As they learned to express their needs using words, emotions and actions they are teaching their partners how to communicate with them, and they are teaching their children, to read their parents signals. At the same time their children absorb how to express healthy tears in healthy ways. They are learning as adults in relationship with their husbands and kids. I can see now how my holding back of emotional expression negatively impacted their development. My daughters are loving, caring, articulate women who are teaching their children how to maneuver through their own emotions AND these young parent educators are not afraid to show their tears to their loved ones.
In order to be the best person, so you will be the best parent for your child, it is essential to learn how to express emotion, going even as far as letting your child see your tears. You are teaching that it is OK to feel emotion and to express it, when you EXPLAIN why you are crying, how it is not their fault that you are crying and finally what you will do to make yourself happy again.
I was the child of steel... nothing and nobody could make me cry.... How about YOU? What makes you cry?
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Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Expert, CCFL
Author: The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose
The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release Christmas 2014)
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