TRUST: Even a toddler will hug and nurture his Mom when she is crying because he knows he is the only one at that moment who can show her love.
Kids automatically flip into parenting mode when their parent is unable to fulfill the role of protector.
Her voice softened becoming fearful, and child-like. Almost apologetically she began to share her life as the 7 year old daughter of an alcoholic single Mom. This 55 year old woman was reliving all the pain, insecurity and regret. Most importantly she displayed HOW she, at 7 years old, took on her mother's guilt!
Today, was the first time she allowed herself to consciously mourn her childhood inability to save her mother and to release the guilt. Her adult life has been coloured by this failure. Her fears of risk, of challenge, of taking responsibility, of relationship all stem from self-beliefs formed as a vulnerable 7 year old parenting the mother who should have been parenting her!
Her body felt those same emotional sensations of pain, tension, and knots just as she had as a small child 47 years ago.
She felt shame as fresh as it was then, when intuitively, she protected Mom from neighbours, teachers, pastor and playmates.
Slowly, curiously she unpacked her lonely childhood, sharing how she lived in fear of inviting children home to play or have pajama parties. In wonder, she discovered that even as a 7 year old she OWNED her mother's behaviour believing it was her fault, for failing to save her mother.
Today, was the first time she allowed herself to consciously mourn her childhood inability to save her mother and to release the guilt. Her adult life has been coloured by this failure. Her fears of risk, of challenge, of taking responsibility, of relationship all stem from self-beliefs formed as a vulnerable 7 year old parenting the mother who should have been parenting her!
Which messed up parents do kids choose to parent?
- The alcoholic parent is protected \ enabled by the child UNTIL one day the child grows up.
- The addicted parent leaves their child no choice but to parent the parent through their weakness UNTIL one day the child grows up.
- The martyred parent guilts the child into protecting their image of themselves UNTIL one day the child grows up.
- The hypochondriac parent unconsciously relies on their children to fill in the gaps and take care of them UNTIL one day the child grows up.
- The angry parent: intentionally scares the child into feeding Mom or Dad's ego UNTIL one day the child grows up.
- The neglected parent begs the child to fulfill their version of love UNTIL one day the child grows up.
This list could go on and on but what we are really talking about is that every parent no matter how good, giving, loving, and well intentioned at some time or other needs even their youngest and tenderest children to be their support. We lean on our children for exactly the same kind of love and support they need from us. AND they rarely disappoint us.
In small doses, when emergencies happen and the family requires a child to temporarily take on adult responsibilities this experience can be a proud moment for the child and a quantum leap into healthy maturity. Many military families, families of cancer victims and other equally devastating illnesses rely on every family member to step up and do the unexpected. This is what families do and it is good... in small doses and of short duration.
But this is not the scenario of which I write today. To be clear, I am talking about generational co-dependent family patterns handed from parent to child down through the generations. If you were a child victim you know how this life style affects how you live today and how you parent your own children. Is it time to release your children?
Children are born empaths, mind readers and nurturers. The puppy, kitten and even a new baby are nurtured and loved by your children. Their first instinct is to love, pet, cuddle and protect. Children read our transparent need and respond accordingly. Children also have the need to be needed much the same as we do. And like us, they need to be consistently and appreciatively recognized for providing the love and protection we ask of them. The youngest child is proud to be the nurturer and protector of their emotionally dependent parent. However, the needy parent is crippling their child and dooming them to unconsciously repeat similar dependency patterns with their own children.
Have you ever noticed that the most messed up parents seem to have the most attentive children. Their children are at hand when the parent falters, picks up after them, prepares meals, runs errands and fiercely protects their parent's pride and image in the community. Is it because they are embarrassed by their needy parent? Partly, but they are also secretly proud of the role they play in the family. More importantly they are scared about their own security and confused by their conflicting feelings of resentment and love, responsibility and burden, pride and embarrassment, naivety and reality.
These young warriors know that they are the glue that keeps their family together and functioning and they actually imagine \ know what would happen if they chose irresponsibility instead.
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Enjoy InJOY
Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Mentor
Author: The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose
The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release FALL 2015)
Questions? email portalcoach@live.ca subject line Parent the Parent Support.
