Sue the Intrepid Solo Traveller March 15, 2019
Day 11/120 Ask and You Shall Receive.
Remind me... WHAT did I ask for on this 4 month Odessey? Oh... that’s right.... I asked for the groves on the long-playing LP record of my already pretty good life to change pattern!
But how does change happen? Certainly NOT without a little chaos thrown in.
Why Chaos? Maybe if it was all smooth as a calm flowing, lotus and lily pad pond, with sweet frog and cricket sounds, there’d be no reason to change. So let’s get to the meat of all this ‘ask and you shall receive’ stuff.
Travel Angels... that’s what I’m talking about! I‘ve never travelled much and it wouldn’t have occured to me, until today, to overcheck my plans in advance. For example, in Israel, not all intercity buses travel to every city between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday. The Sabbath is a big deal here. This means the intrepid non-driver traveller, like me, who relies on public transit, might get stuck in an unplanned location if she didn’t take this into account when planning a weekend trip to Haifa from Tzfat! Like this weekend!
Big OOPS!
#1 Check connection times... Not paying close enough attention! Big Ooops
#2 Be on time... no loosey goosey ... oh well I’ll catch the next bus ‘cause maybe there isn’t one! There wasn’t a next one for that bus number, but a sweet young couple, travel angels, pointed out the next last bus, a different number, to my destination was leaving in just 10 minutes from exactly where I was standing. Big whew!
#3 Ask questions and ask the same one to more than one stranger to be sure you’re in the right place. Ohhhh yeah... that means talking to strangers... a trust issue? Get over it!
#4 Don’t be too cheap on your accommodations AND try to have a back-up just in case the first choice is a distressing error, SUCH AS the door code to the little cheap hotel not working! Back up was found on my behalf, by another travel angel.
TRUST is the secret and the deepening new groove in my old LP record. Confidence in myself to manage is the second new groove. Being Strategic before impending doom crashes down... is my third new groove.
#5 Look around for a travel angel whenever you are in need... there’s always one close by.
Enjoy Enjoy, Enjoy... onward..... and I don’t know what will happen tomorrow...
Saturday, March 16, 2019
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Monday, March 14, 2016
Thursday, June 25, 2015
TRUST: Kids ALWAYS Parent the Parent Who Messes Up!
TRUST: Even a toddler will hug and nurture his Mom when she is crying because he knows he is the only one at that moment who can show her love.
Kids automatically flip into parenting mode when their parent is unable to fulfill the role of protector.
Her voice softened becoming fearful, and child-like. Almost apologetically she began to share her life as the 7 year old daughter of an alcoholic single Mom. This 55 year old woman was reliving all the pain, insecurity and regret. Most importantly she displayed HOW she, at 7 years old, took on her mother's guilt!
Today, was the first time she allowed herself to consciously mourn her childhood inability to save her mother and to release the guilt. Her adult life has been coloured by this failure. Her fears of risk, of challenge, of taking responsibility, of relationship all stem from self-beliefs formed as a vulnerable 7 year old parenting the mother who should have been parenting her!
Her body felt those same emotional sensations of pain, tension, and knots just as she had as a small child 47 years ago.
She felt shame as fresh as it was then, when intuitively, she protected Mom from neighbours, teachers, pastor and playmates.
Slowly, curiously she unpacked her lonely childhood, sharing how she lived in fear of inviting children home to play or have pajama parties. In wonder, she discovered that even as a 7 year old she OWNED her mother's behaviour believing it was her fault, for failing to save her mother.
Today, was the first time she allowed herself to consciously mourn her childhood inability to save her mother and to release the guilt. Her adult life has been coloured by this failure. Her fears of risk, of challenge, of taking responsibility, of relationship all stem from self-beliefs formed as a vulnerable 7 year old parenting the mother who should have been parenting her!
Which messed up parents do kids choose to parent?
- The alcoholic parent is protected \ enabled by the child UNTIL one day the child grows up.
- The addicted parent leaves their child no choice but to parent the parent through their weakness UNTIL one day the child grows up.
- The martyred parent guilts the child into protecting their image of themselves UNTIL one day the child grows up.
- The hypochondriac parent unconsciously relies on their children to fill in the gaps and take care of them UNTIL one day the child grows up.
- The angry parent: intentionally scares the child into feeding Mom or Dad's ego UNTIL one day the child grows up.
- The neglected parent begs the child to fulfill their version of love UNTIL one day the child grows up.
This list could go on and on but what we are really talking about is that every parent no matter how good, giving, loving, and well intentioned at some time or other needs even their youngest and tenderest children to be their support. We lean on our children for exactly the same kind of love and support they need from us. AND they rarely disappoint us.
In small doses, when emergencies happen and the family requires a child to temporarily take on adult responsibilities this experience can be a proud moment for the child and a quantum leap into healthy maturity. Many military families, families of cancer victims and other equally devastating illnesses rely on every family member to step up and do the unexpected. This is what families do and it is good... in small doses and of short duration.
But this is not the scenario of which I write today. To be clear, I am talking about generational co-dependent family patterns handed from parent to child down through the generations. If you were a child victim you know how this life style affects how you live today and how you parent your own children. Is it time to release your children?
Children are born empaths, mind readers and nurturers. The puppy, kitten and even a new baby are nurtured and loved by your children. Their first instinct is to love, pet, cuddle and protect. Children read our transparent need and respond accordingly. Children also have the need to be needed much the same as we do. And like us, they need to be consistently and appreciatively recognized for providing the love and protection we ask of them. The youngest child is proud to be the nurturer and protector of their emotionally dependent parent. However, the needy parent is crippling their child and dooming them to unconsciously repeat similar dependency patterns with their own children.
Have you ever noticed that the most messed up parents seem to have the most attentive children. Their children are at hand when the parent falters, picks up after them, prepares meals, runs errands and fiercely protects their parent's pride and image in the community. Is it because they are embarrassed by their needy parent? Partly, but they are also secretly proud of the role they play in the family. More importantly they are scared about their own security and confused by their conflicting feelings of resentment and love, responsibility and burden, pride and embarrassment, naivety and reality.
These young warriors know that they are the glue that keeps their family together and functioning and they actually imagine \ know what would happen if they chose irresponsibility instead.
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Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Mentor
Author: The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose
The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release FALL 2015)
Questions? email portalcoach@live.ca subject line Parent the Parent Support.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
TRUST: Tantrums RULE: Theirs and Yours
Trust: Tantrums RULE
Your adult tantrum beats ANYTHING the kids can throw at ya!
You are feeling it... The rage like a runaway train builds momentum heading down the mountainside; faster, faster, impossible to stop... The bridge is out and there's no stopping. In horror you watch as it plummets over the edge, falling... falling... falling headfirst into the abyss... down... down... down...lost in the mists. And then, it gets worse! You aren't the only witness to this disaster. The reporters are there, The photographers, The moment has been frozen in memories forever....
You lost it and everyone saw you lose it.... your kids will remember the train crashing into the abyss and figure out that if it's OK for you to have a major freakin' public tantrum with all the bells and whistles, attention and immediate results, then it must be OK for them to copy you! AND THEY DO!!! Brilliantly!
Tantrums rule because we trust the results we always get from out of control behaviour to get what we want, when we want it. On the negative side, we can also trust the fallout... fallout that affects how we attempt to control our kids and how others learn from sad experience to trust their expectation of our public and behaviours.
For some people, tantrums are their go to behaviour. They get what they want because nobody wants to deal with their tantrum.
Who are these adult tantrummers? They are often your garden variety grown up bully. You trained your parents with your tantrums when you were a kid. You trained your friends and teachers with your tantrums, you train your spouse and you train your kids. And no big surprise, within the first years of life, your kids are your best students because they copy you to the letter.
Who are these adult tantrummers? They are often your garden variety grown up bully. You trained your parents with your tantrums when you were a kid. You trained your friends and teachers with your tantrums, you train your spouse and you train your kids. And no big surprise, within the first years of life, your kids are your best students because they copy you to the letter.
Now here is the confusing part for both you and your kids if the tantrum is your go-to solution for most challenges. You love your kids and hate them at the same time especially when they begin to control you with their tantrums. At first you are confused, then you are annoyed, then you are frustrated and then the rage begins to build, you know the feeling... your kid is tantrumming and so are you. They are screaming and you are screaming at them... it gets out of control and you don't know how to put on the breaks. Then everyone plummets over the edge down into the abyss.
What happens next is textbook... Your dislike of their behaviour often feels like dislike for them. They feel it, and begin to believe that you don't like them... You translate dislike into no longer loving them. They respond to this misperception by tantrumming even more because that is the only control they have in their tiny lives. The divide between you and your kid grows as they grow and one day you realize that they are repeating your life and there is nothing you can do about it. Family patterns are established and history repeats and repeats and repeats.
The solution is in developing new ways of communicating. It is possible to reverse tantrums in both adults and children with a few simple tools.
6 Tools to Reverse Tantrums: Theirs and Yours
Parent the Parent Home-Study Tools - Short Version
Tool #1 Acceptance
Accept that you can't change
anyone else's stress patterns but that changing your stress reactions will
impact everyone in your family, and workplace
Tool #2 Observation
Take time to review your past to
isolate those stress triggers that always ruin your holiday
Tool #3 Intention
Set the intention to defuse just one trigger at a
time. Choose to become nonjudgmental of
yourself, and kind and compassionate to yourself and others as you work through
these life spoilers
Tool #4 Belief
Proof: Decide to believe that your own reactions to
stress are controllable!
Take action: Use new
tools in this lesson to prove how your own reactions to stress are controllable
Tool #5 Tenacity
Don't give up!
Plan out-of-the-box new solutions
to each old trigger to get it gone and keep it gone.
Tool #6 Practice
Practice the de-fuser tools in
this lesson and adjust them to each situation
For the Full Version of this list with questions and answers please email portalcoach@live.ca
Subject Line: Tantrum Tools
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Enjoy InJOY
Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Expert, CCFL
Author: The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose
The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release Christmas 2014)
Website: https://www.pulseofawakening.com/parent-the-parent.html
CCFL Global Academy: http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3
Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection
CCFL Global Academy: http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3
Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection
Questions? Contact Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Mentor via email portalcoach@live.ca subject line Parent the Parent Support.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
TRUST: The Vulnerable Parent
How much more might others trust you, if you knew what you trusted about yourself?
Trust is a funny beastie. Every day you prove your love or lack of love for yourself and others in how you treat yourself and them. How you choose to be trustworthy every day, is the provable reinforcement that builds trust or distrust.
Just as showing your love is one big proof in action parenting bundle of trust so is sabotage; you can trust that there will be those times when you talk yourself out of what might have been the best thing to ever happen to you and your family. What about trusting yourself to repeat the same mistakes your parents made raising you until you consciously work to change history. AND at the end of it all, can you trust that your kids will see right through you and love you anyway?
Just as showing your love is one big proof in action parenting bundle of trust so is sabotage; you can trust that there will be those times when you talk yourself out of what might have been the best thing to ever happen to you and your family. What about trusting yourself to repeat the same mistakes your parents made raising you until you consciously work to change history. AND at the end of it all, can you trust that your kids will see right through you and love you anyway?
This post is split between What You Trust About Yourself and What Your Kids Trust About You. I am trusting you to be kind and even a little curious as you step inside my life, family history and trust issues because sometimes it's easier to learn from the mistakes of another.
Here goes... I trust you to see yourself in my vulnerability...
Here goes... I trust you to see yourself in my vulnerability...
Parental Self Trust Issues never go out of style. As a matter of fact trusting yourselves is the foundation on which your kids, your spouse, co-workers and boss rely on you to be consistently identifiable and valuable to them.
As a parent, perhaps like you, I sensed what I could trust and not trust about myself even though those trusting behaviours might not have been obvious or top of mind. My younger self acted from those instincts not from conscious choice. Since then, as a parenting expert, I've learned that most people get confused by the cause and effect relationship between the positive pieces of self-trust and those gnarly bits of self-distrust guaranteed to sabotage what should be our most productive and lasting relationships. Trust issues cause us to be consistently inconsistent.
Coach Sue's Trust Issues: As a young parent, I was pretty egotistical about my trustworthy decision making processes but when I messed up... for months afterwards, I could be trusted to beat myself up over my failures. This form of self-indulgent self-abuse reflected in how my kids over-reacted when they made mistakes. I got lost in the emotions of distrusting myself. And the guilt... jeez... the guilt invaded my sleep, my rare alone time, and my daydreams. On the positive side of self-trust, I really liked that I could trust in being an incurable romantic because this meant my kids learned positive outlook especially in the face of disaster and we had plenty of disasters that I did not cause. I learned deep loyalty from my parents and so I grew up loyal beyond all reason. I see that loyalty being replayed in my adult kids and love watching my grandchildren naturally slide into loyalty as a supportive tool for their parents and playmates. We are talking about little kids trusting parents who sometimes have to make difficult life altering choices.
About guilt... Guilt is a funny one, we either have reasonable cause or are just neurotic about it but for the most part, we all suffer from it... my parents demonstrated generational guilt, I copied them unconsciously becoming a equally guilt ridden parent. Back then I actually felt guilt as a pain in my body. This was one little trust glitch, I somehow managed to reverse before it became a pattern for my own adolescent children. In divorce, I learned to give away guilt, thus modelling how it's possible to change a life long habit. Now guilt is an occasional tickle rather than a huge body slam.
In a different vein, my maternal grandmother was pretty special. I had all kinds of trust issues with her, but she showed me the power of dedication. In particular; dedication as in... "until death us do part" even if it was killing me. This one got branded into my own offspring in a positive way. Dedication is one of those things I gladly trust today. The perfect example is delivering on promises. My husband promised our 5 year old daughter a bird if she did what she was told. She delivered, but she didn't get the bird. To this day, 30 years later she still remembers that breach of trust by not being able to entirely trust her Dad to deliver on a promise. Being the MOM and keeping those promises often meant driving everyone in the family crazy. But promises and how they are kept are the backbone of creating security in home, work and relationships.
On the other side of the trust coin, my kids could trust that I always had goodies hidden in my coat pocket when I got home, and would be there with them late into the night helping with homework deadlines. They have also accused me of driving them crazy by being over-protective or hiding the truth when I was afraid of making them feel insecure. As humans and parents we are vulnerable to our ability to trust and to generate trust in others.
And this brings us to our kids. Have you every been called out by your kids for your actions? Our kids actually do see right through us, they know what they can trust; both the positive and the negative. They love us anyway. AND more importantly they copy us without hesitation. We are responsible for their patterning, just as our parents were responsible for ours AND this is where the divide comes in. We can consciously choose to change the trust patterns that drive our actions when we become aware that they exist and how they impact not only our lives but the futures of our kids.
When we take the time to sit quietly and without judgment observe our behaviours, we can clearly see our trust patterns and how they affect our choices and behaviours. Similarly we see how closely our kids mimic what we do. This is where trust originates between kids and parents. This is where parents become vulnerable. Now is moment when you reflect on how trust creates vulnerability in YOU!"
Your Parent the Parent Home-Study Homework:
- Identify 3 positive and 3 negative trust behaviours in your kids that copy your behaviours.
- Notice how these behaviours affect how much you like your kids when they are displaying these behaviours.
- Choose which single behaviour you want to change in yourself.
- If you let me know which behaviour you want to change, I will post a blog on how to make that change.
- If you want more help, I will be available with resources.
Please join me again tomorrow to explore: "What make you the best person to raise your kids?"
I'm Sue Rumack, your parent-the-parent coach. My entire goal in writing this blog is help parents who may not be able to access group or individual coaching to get as much help as they can, with each homework to make change begin to happen for themselves. Choose a week, any week and try just one of the suggestions above for that whole week. Then let me know what changed at your house. It's FREE and it will change your life.
Print this post so you have the questions handy and keep it with your journal.
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Want to help grow your own parenting success network? Help grow this blog by SHARING. There is someone out there in the blogosphere waiting to read your comments. Please help others.
Enjoy InJOY
Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Expert, CCFL
Author: The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose
The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release Christmas 2014)
Website: https://www.pulseofawakening.com/parent-the-parent.html
CCFL Global Academy: http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3
Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection
CCFL Global Academy: http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3
Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection
NEED HELP? Contact Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Mentor via email portalcoach@live.ca subject line Parent the Parent Support.
Remember: you can unsubscribe at anytime by clicking unsubscribe at the bottom of this page.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
TRUST: Kids Trust Adults Who Trust Themselves
The secret sauce to parenting is that your kids will only trust you as far as you trust yourself.
Who said your kids are supposed to trust you or you them? Who wrote in stone that trust is a requirement of parenting?
It's true that many generations of families exist where not only is there no trust, but lack of trust is a reliable family pattern with a long and colourful history full of generational stories that keep repeating. Look around at the adult relationships you currently have, and ask if you implicitly trust these people to protect you, love you and believe in you?
Trust is a really tough ideal for people to buy into and yet we still naively expect that between parents and their kids, something unexplainable and unbreakable called trust exists. So how does trust in families actually work?
Over the next few days, we will be exploring different facets of trust within the family dynamic. Please be sure to check in daily for the next installment or subscribe at the bottom of this post so you don't miss a single post.
For today we will play with definitions, and ask a few foundational questions to get you curious about tools to improve your own trusting relationships.
Definition: Trust: A relationship between 2 or more people who choose to open a vulnerable bond with one another.
| Synonyms for Trust: | confidence, belief, faith, certainty, assurance, conviction, credence; |
Biology: There is no guarantee in the familial genetic bond that guarantees TRUST between parent and child, and we aren't even touching sibling trust or extended family trust.
Intellectual: Trust is an emotional state that permits a person to feel safe within a relationship
What is TRUST? In all its guises still comes down to your kids trusting adults who trust themselves. Even if that trust is misplaced, and the adult is not worthy of the trust being given, your child will still give their trust to any adult who displays self-trust.
WHY when you are the person who brought them into this world, takes care of and loves them, would your child ever consider trusting someone other than you?
- Explore where your kids put their trust.
Homework for Parent the Parent Home-Study Members:
- Write one or two paragraphs exploring Trust and how it is playing out in your life.
- Look for repeating patterns of both positive and negative experiences. Journal about them.
- Ask what you learn from positive and negative trust experiences that support your building of successful trusting relationships?
Come back tomorrow to explore The Vulnerable Parent.
I'm Sue Rumack, your parent-the-parent coach. My entire goal in writing this blog is help parents who may not be able to access group or individual coaching to get as much help as they can, with each homework to make change begin to happen for themselves. Choose a week, any week and try just one of the suggestions above for that whole week. Then let me know what changed at your house. It's FREE and it will change your life.
Print this post so you have the questions handy and keep it with your journal.
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Want to help grow your own parenting success network? Help grow this blog by SHARING. There is someone out there in the blogosphere waiting to read your comments. Please help others.
Enjoy InJOY
Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Expert, CCFL
Author: The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose
The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release Christmas 2014)
Website: https://www.pulseofawakening.com/parent-the-parent.html
CCFL Global Academy: http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3
Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection
CCFL Global Academy: http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3
Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection
NEED HELP? Contact Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Mentor via email portalcoach@live.ca subject line Parent the Parent Support.
Remember: you can unsubscribe at anytime by clicking unsubscribe at the bottom of this page.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Best Success Parenting Tips : Your Own Inner Child is Raising Your Kids, Sleepin...
Best Success Parenting Tips : Your Own Inner Child is Raising Your Kids, Sleepin...: Here's a shocker, I couldn't parent my own kids, until I had parented myself out of my own immature behaviours. ...
Your Own Inner Child is Raising Your Kids, Sleeping with Your Husband and Embarrassing YOU at Work!
Here's a shocker, I couldn't parent my own kids, until I had parented myself out of my own immature behaviours.
All parents make mistakes, but 40 years ago, there were few parenting resources available. Even then, I recognized I needed to do something drastic to get better parenting results.
Parenting myself? It's not like I was orphaned and left alone to raise myself in the jungle of human emotions. When you have kids, you need to become secure and grounded people raising kids who will grow up secure and grounded OR you will be living in a parenting chaos. At 23 years old, I looked down into that pit and saw my future if something didn't change fast. A future in Parenting Hell scared me more than having to fix my own glitches. Translation: Re-parent yourself to be the best person to raise not only your own kids but fix yourself first. How? My parents were great, They prepared me to be a kind, considerate, thinking adult just like them, however I was still at the mercy of my own inner child's immaturity. Sit Back, and Enjoy the Inner Child ride with this Rap Video Parent the Parent Home-Study: How to Parent Yourself: 
My Best Parenting Teachers: My Kids! It was my kids who took me by the hand and led me through my mistakes and my victories so I could figure out how to get control? Conscious parenting occurred organically as I parented my own kids, they showed me what I was doing right and what was terribly wrong.
I had to identify my behaviour triggers before my kids and their friends trusted me to share their stories. I became the teen guide and mentor instead of their jailer, trainer or disciplinarian. I actually enjoyed their teen years. We played intellectual volleyball. Retaining your own Inner Child takes time and concentration, but I learned how to transform the old patterns I had grown up with. This is something I love to teach to parents today. The Inner Child Phenomenon: My parents were great... creative, loving, compassionate... I still think they were pretty perfect. In reality, they weren't perfect and neither am. I learned my behaviours both good and bad from my parents just as they learned from theirs. My family isn't unique. Kids copy behaviours and triggers from parents. The key word here is TRIGGER. Science has proven that not all genetic family patterns are genetic. Anger management is copied, so is abuse, some addictions, business success and loving/protective family environments. Therefore getting grounded and secure so you can be the best person to raise your kids means knowing your triggers, how to turn them on and how to turn them off. The Nasty Place: "Inner Child" Behaviours. Yup, Inner Child is stuck to Inner Critic and both make a pretty invincible duo when it comes to taking the adult out of parenting behaviour. Your deepest insecurity is heightened by judgement felt emotionally and physically when your Inner Critic bashes your Inner Child for the feelings you don't always know how to control. Here's a well known scenario; your two year old is tantruming for the third time this morning. You have tried all the approved methods of control and now you are contemplating a few of the unapproved methods when your sweet angel pushes you over the edge into oblivion and you start screaming at her to do what she is told. I'll bet you know the feeling. You know that once you've lost control, and your kids are out of control, everyone needs a timeout. It doesn't matter whether you lose it at the beginning of the day or at the end, the result is the same... as the parent you feel like a total mess. But this is fixable.
This blog and Parent the Parent is the right place for you if it feels like your kids are running the show
and you don't know how to get control back. Whether you are a
stay-at-home parent or a time-crunched working parent who is moving at
the speed of light just to keep up, you may feel like you don't have
time to be the best parent and are just glad to get through another day.
Visiting this blog will be the break you need where you will find
humour, permission to be your best, and real tools to help you along the
way.
Please SUBSCRIBE at the bottom of the post, SHARE and VISIT us daily. There will be expert giveaways
from many other experts besides myself along with free resources and
great low to no-cost programs you can join.
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Want to help grow your own parenting success network? Help grow this blog by SHARING. There is someone out there waiting to read your comments. Please help others.
Enjoy InJOY
Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Expert, Author:
The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose
Website: https://www.pulseofawakening.com/parent-the-parent.html
*** CCFL Global Academy: http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3 Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection NEED HELP? Contact Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Mentor via Parent the Parent Mentoring Groups Support or email portalcoach@live.ca subject line Parent the Parent Support. |
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Best Success Parenting Tips : REALLY? Impolite, manipulative kids are more succe...
Best Success Parenting Tips : REALLY? Impolite, manipulative kids are more succe...: Here is the dilemma facing modern parents: How do we teach our kids to be polite, respectful AND successful in a society that reward...
REALLY? Impolite, manipulative kids are more successful when they grow up?
Here is the dilemma facing modern parents: How do we teach our
kids to be polite, respectful AND successful in a society that rewards rude,
manipulative and demanding people?
At the end of this post, check your free Parent-the-Parent Home-Study 4
week self-help lesson plan designed to change family patterns of 'Asking and
Receiving'.
I don't know about you but as a child, I was taught that it was not
polite to ask for what you wanted... however, children could choose words that hinted
at what they wanted. We used body language to convey an
unspoken wish, and it was even OK to gently, naively manipulate people to get
what you wanted. The rule was you could wish for that pony but
because you couldn't directly ASK for it, you rarely got it. As a result, there are two generations of wishers not do-ers who are now the
role models for today's kids. AND today's kids are rebelling against
anything that is not authentic and honest because they are bombarded with
inauthentic media! Today's children are a new breed challenging us to guide them to become better people than we are ourselves. Now this is a dilemma!
Things have changed. There are no boundaries to what we can ask for, and there are certainly no boundaries for how we ask. This is the root of a huge "respect" problem plaguing parents raising kids, teachers teaching kids, corporations hiring and keeping employees who are essentially big kids. Pushing the respect issues out to the next level beyond family, friends and careers, how about cultures not respecting other cultures resulting in escalating hot spot wars.
What about media? Have you noticed the direct assault on consumers to buy products, to
take training, to enroll in costly self-help programs? Media advertising, kids shows and movies have all taught our
children to be very direct and demanding. Where does this leave parents who want to raise kids to be
respectful AND successful when their little buddies at school are playing by overwhelmingly different rules?
Here are two tough questions... How do parents teach communications skills that are respectful and still give young kids a voice? Is it still possible to teach kids how to make appropriate long range
choices, so that they grow into adults who are able to get what they need to live fulfilling and fulfilled lives?
Parent-the-Parent Home Study homework:
This post is providing your FREE 4 week self-study project to build respectful, successful communication so both you and your kids ask directly for what you want and get it without the drama or anger.
This post is providing your FREE 4 week self-study project to build respectful, successful communication so both you and your kids ask directly for what you want and get it without the drama or anger.
Choose one question per week and journal your experiences.
Pay attention to (a) challenging moments and (b) moments of success.
Then (c) choose to release non-productive behaviours immediately replacing them with one of your new respectful behaviours.
Pay attention to (a) challenging moments and (b) moments of success.
Then (c) choose to release non-productive behaviours immediately replacing them with one of your new respectful behaviours.
Exercise #1. Behaviours Recognition: Live the behaviours you want your kids to copy.
To get rid of your worst behaviours, you need to first identify those
gut wrenching moments when you practically scream... "Do what I
say, not what I do!" This exercise is tough because it
means you have to pay attention to and get rid of your worst behaviours
- Make a list of the top 3
worst behaviours both you and your kids share (YES, they are copying
you!)
- Choose 1 behaviour to let go
of
- Design a better behaviour
that is easy for you to maintain
- Practice this new behaviour
religiously for one week. Notice the difference.
Exercise #2. Releasing Worst Behaviours
You've heard kids complain when you tell them to stop..."It's
not fair!!!! You do it!"
Observe: What is your usual response when they yell
back?
(a) Is it
working to get co-operation from your kids? Details please.
(b) Is
this response appropriate? Why or Why not.
(c) If it is appropriate:
(c) If it is appropriate:
Define what you are doing correctly?
How can you do more of this?
Exercise #3. Respect
- Begin by respecting yourself - this takes conscious practice but your entire life will change
- Next, show respect for your kids in your tone of voice, by getting down to their eye level
- Ask their opinions and discuss their ideas showing respect for their thoughts and using some of their ideas.
Exercise #4. Communicate
- Ask your kids what they want and listen intently without immediately rejecting their ideas, dreams, wishes
- Listen for their "need" underneath the wish or the want. Respond with recognition of their need and an offer to help make their wish come true in some small way
- Negotiate a win-win where your kids win some of what they want and you teach them values and respect in the process.
I'm Sue Rumack your parent-the-parent coach. My entire goal in writing this blog is help parents who may not be able to access group or individual coaching to get as much help as they can, with each homework to make change begin to happen for themselves. Choose a week, any week and try just one of the suggestions above for that whole week. Then let me know what changed at your house. It's FREE and it will change your life.
Print this post so you have the questions handy and keep it with your
journal.
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Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Expert,
CCFL
Author: The Pulse of
Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose
The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release Christmas
2014)
Website: https://www.pulseofawakening.com/parent-the-parent.html
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Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection
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