TRUST: Tantrums RULE: Theirs and Yours

Trust:  Tantrums RULE   

Your adult tantrum beats ANYTHING the kids can throw at ya!  

You are feeling it... The rage like a runaway train builds momentum heading down the mountainside; faster, faster,  impossible to stop... The bridge is out and there's no stopping.  In horror you watch as it plummets over the edge, falling... falling... falling headfirst into the abyss... down... down... down...lost in the mists.   And then, it gets worse!  You aren't the only witness to this disaster. The reporters are there, The photographers, The moment has been frozen in memories forever....

You lost it and everyone saw you lose it....  your kids will remember the train crashing into the abyss and figure out that if it's OK for you to have a major freakin' public tantrum with all the bells and whistles, attention and immediate results, then it must be OK for them to copy you!  AND THEY DO!!!  Brilliantly!

Tantrums rule because we trust the results we always get from out of control behaviour to get what we want, when we want it.  On the negative side, we can also trust the fallout...  fallout that affects how we attempt to control our kids and how others learn from sad experience to trust their expectation of our public and behaviours.

For some people, tantrums are their go to behaviour. They get what they want because nobody wants to deal with their tantrum.

Who are these adult tantrummers?  They are often your garden variety grown up bully.  You trained your parents with your tantrums when you were a kid.  You trained your friends and teachers with your tantrums, you train your spouse and you train your kids.  And no big surprise, within the first years of life, your kids are your best students because they copy you to the letter.  

Now here is the confusing part for both you and your kids if the tantrum is your go-to solution for most challenges.  You love your kids and hate them at the same time especially when they begin to control you with their tantrums.  At first you are confused, then you are annoyed, then you are frustrated and then the rage begins to build, you know the feeling... your kid is tantrumming and so are you.  They are screaming and you are screaming at them...  it gets out of control and you don't know how to put on the breaks.  Then everyone plummets over the edge down into the abyss.  

What happens next is textbook...  Your dislike of their behaviour often feels like dislike for them. They feel it, and begin to believe that you don't like them... You translate dislike into no longer loving them.  They respond to this misperception by tantrumming even more because that is the only control they have in their tiny lives.   The divide between you and your kid grows as they grow and one day you realize that they are repeating your life and there is nothing you can do about it.  Family patterns are established and history repeats and repeats and repeats. 

The solution is in developing new ways of communicating.  It is possible to reverse tantrums in both adults and children with a few simple tools.

6 Tools to Reverse Tantrums:  Theirs and Yours

Parent the Parent Home-Study Tools  -  Short Version 

Tool #1  Acceptance 

Accept that you can't change anyone else's stress patterns but that changing your stress reactions will impact everyone in your family, and workplace

Tool #2  Observation

Take time to review your past to isolate those stress triggers that always ruin your holiday

Tool #3  Intention

Set the intention to defuse just one trigger at a time.  Choose to become nonjudgmental of yourself, and kind and compassionate to yourself and others as you work through these life spoilers

  

Tool #4 Belief

Proof:  Decide to believe that your own reactions to stress are controllable!

Take action: Use new tools in this lesson to prove how your own reactions to stress are controllable

Tool #5 Tenacity

Don't give up!  

Plan out-of-the-box new solutions to each old trigger to get it gone and keep it gone.

Tool #6  Practice

Practice the de-fuser tools in this lesson and adjust them to each situation 

For the Full Version of this list with questions and answers please email  portalcoach@live.ca 
Subject Line: Tantrum Tools

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Enjoy InJOY

Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Expert, CCFL

Author:  The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose

              The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release Christmas 2014) 

Blog:         http://parentingsuccesstips.blogspot.ca/

Website:   https://www.pulseofawakening.com/parent-the-parent.html

CCFL Global Academy:  http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3
Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection  

Questions? Contact  Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Mentor via email portalcoach@live.ca  subject line Parent the Parent Support. 

TRUST: The Vulnerable Parent

How  much more might others trust you, if you knew what you trusted about yourself?  

Trust is a funny beastie.  Every day you prove your love or lack of love for yourself and others in how you treat yourself and them.  How you choose to be trustworthy every day, is the provable reinforcement that builds trust or distrust.

Just as showing your love is one big proof in action parenting bundle of trust so is sabotage; you can trust that there will be those times when you talk yourself out of what might have been the best thing to ever happen to you and your family.  What about trusting yourself to repeat the same mistakes your parents made raising you until you consciously work to change history.  AND at the end of it all, can you trust that your kids will see right through you and love you anyway?  

This post is split between What You Trust About Yourself and What Your Kids Trust About You. I am trusting you to be kind and even a little curious as you step inside my life, family history and trust issues because sometimes it's easier to learn from the mistakes of another.

Here goes...  I trust you to see yourself in my vulnerability...

Parental Self Trust Issues never go out of style. As a matter of fact trusting yourselves is the foundation on which your kids, your spouse, co-workers and boss rely on you to be consistently identifiable and valuable to them.  

As a parent, perhaps like you, I sensed what I could trust and not trust about myself even though those trusting behaviours might not have been obvious or top of mind.  My younger self acted from those instincts not from conscious choice. Since then, as a parenting expert, I've learned that most people get confused by the cause and effect relationship between the positive pieces of self-trust and those gnarly bits of self-distrust guaranteed to sabotage what should be our most productive and lasting relationships.  Trust issues cause us to be consistently inconsistent. 

Coach Sue's Trust Issues: As a young parent, I was pretty egotistical about my trustworthy decision making processes but when I messed up... for months afterwards, I could be trusted to beat myself up over my failures. This form of self-indulgent self-abuse reflected in how my kids over-reacted when they made mistakes.   I got lost in the emotions of distrusting myself. And the guilt... jeez... the guilt invaded my sleep, my rare alone time, and my daydreams.   On the positive side of self-trust, I really liked that I could trust in being an incurable romantic because this meant my kids learned positive outlook especially in the face of disaster and we had plenty of disasters that I did not cause.   I learned deep loyalty from my parents and so I grew up loyal beyond all reason.  I see that loyalty being replayed in my adult kids and love watching my grandchildren naturally slide into loyalty as a supportive tool for their parents and playmates.  We are talking about little kids trusting parents who sometimes have to make difficult life altering choices.  

About guilt... Guilt is a funny one, we either have reasonable cause or are just neurotic about it but for the most part, we all suffer from it... my parents demonstrated generational guilt, I copied them unconsciously becoming a equally guilt ridden parent. Back then I actually felt guilt as a pain in my body.  This was one little trust glitch, I somehow managed to reverse before it became a pattern for my own adolescent children.  In divorce, I learned to give away guilt, thus modelling how it's possible to change a life long habit. Now guilt is an occasional tickle rather than a huge body slam.  

In a different vein, my maternal grandmother was pretty special.  I had all kinds of trust issues with her, but she showed me the power of dedication.  In particular; dedication as in... "until death us do part" even if it was killing me.  This one got branded into my own offspring in a positive way. Dedication is one of those things I gladly trust today.  The perfect example is delivering on promises. My husband promised our 5 year old daughter a bird if she did what she was told.  She delivered, but she didn't get the bird.  To this day, 30 years later she still remembers that breach of trust by not being able to entirely trust her Dad to deliver on a promise.  Being the MOM and keeping those promises often meant driving everyone in the family crazy. But promises and how they are kept are the backbone of creating security in home, work and relationships.  

On the other side of the trust coin, my kids could trust that I always had goodies hidden in my coat pocket when I got home, and would be there with them late into the night helping with  homework deadlines. They have also accused me of driving them crazy by being over-protective or hiding the truth when I was afraid of making them feel insecure.  As humans and parents we are vulnerable to our ability to trust and to generate trust in others. 

And this brings us to our kids.  Have you every been called out by your kids for your actions?  Our kids actually do see right through us, they know what they can trust; both the positive and the negative.  They love us anyway.  AND more importantly they copy us without hesitation.  We are responsible for their patterning, just as our parents were responsible for ours AND this is where the divide comes in.  We can consciously choose to change the trust patterns that drive our actions when we become aware that they exist and how they impact not only our lives but the futures of our kids.  

When we take the time to sit quietly and without judgment observe our behaviours, we can clearly see our trust patterns and how they affect our choices and behaviours.  Similarly we see how closely our kids mimic what we do.  This is where trust originates between kids and parents. This is where parents become vulnerable.  Now is moment when you reflect on how trust creates vulnerability in YOU!"

Your Parent the Parent Home-Study Homework: 

1. Identify 3 positive and 3 negative trust behaviours in your kids that copy your behaviours. 
2. Notice how these behaviours affect how much you like your kids when they are displaying these behaviours.  
3. Choose which single behaviour you want to change in yourself.  

• If you let me know which behaviour you want to change, I will post a blog on how to make that change.  
• If you want more help, I will be available with resources.  

Please join me again tomorrow to explore:  "What make you the best person to raise your kids?"

I'm Sue Rumack, your parent-the-parent coach.  My entire goal in writing this blog is help parents who may not be able to access group or individual coaching to get as much help as they can, with each homework to make change begin to happen for themselves. Choose a week, any week and try just one of the suggestions above for that whole week.  Then let me know what changed at your house.  It's FREE and it will change your life.  

Print this post so you have the questions handy and keep it with your journal.  

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Want to help grow your own parenting success network?  Help grow this blog by SHARING.   There is someone out there in the blogosphere waiting to read your comments.  Please help others.  

Enjoy InJOY

Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Expert, CCFL

Author:  The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose

              The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release Christmas 2014) 

Blog:         http://parentingsuccesstips.blogspot.ca/

Website:   https://www.pulseofawakening.com/parent-the-parent.html

CCFL Global Academy:  http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3
Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection  

NEED HELP? Contact  Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Mentor via email portalcoach@live.ca  subject line Parent the Parent Support. 

Remember: you can unsubscribe at anytime by clicking unsubscribe at the bottom of this page.  

TRUST: Kids Trust Adults Who Trust Themselves

The secret sauce to parenting is that your kids will only trust you as far as you trust yourself.

Who said your kids are supposed to trust you or you them?   Who wrote in stone that trust is a requirement of parenting?

It's true that many generations of families exist where not only is there no trust, but lack of trust is a reliable family pattern with a long and colourful history full of generational stories that keep repeating. Look around at the adult relationships you currently have, and ask if you implicitly trust these people to protect you, love you and believe in you?

Trust is a really tough ideal for people to buy into and yet we still naively expect that between parents and their kids, something unexplainable and unbreakable called trust exists.  So how does trust in families actually work?

Over the next few days, we will be exploring different facets of trust within the family dynamic. Please be sure to check in daily for the next installment or subscribe at the bottom of this post so you don't miss a single post.

For today we will play with definitions, and ask a few foundational questions to get you curious about tools to improve your own trusting relationships.

Definition:   Trust:  A relationship between 2 or more people who choose to open a vulnerable bond with one another.

Synonyms for Trust:

confidence, belief, faith, certainty, assurance, conviction, credence; reliance

Biology:  There is no guarantee in the familial genetic bond that guarantees TRUST between parent and child, and we aren't even touching sibling trust or extended family trust.

Intellectual:  Trust is an emotional state that permits a person to feel safe within a relationship

What is TRUST?   In all its guises still comes down to your kids trusting adults who trust themselves.  Even if that trust is misplaced, and the adult is not worthy of the trust being given, your child will still give their trust to any adult who displays self-trust.

WHY when you are the person who brought them into this world, takes care of and loves them, would your child ever consider trusting someone other than you?

• Explore where your kids put their trust.  

Homework for Parent the Parent Home-Study Members: 

1. Write one or two paragraphs exploring Trust and how it is playing out in your life.  
2. Look for repeating patterns of both positive and negative experiences.  Journal about them.
3. Ask what you learn from positive and negative trust experiences that support your building of successful trusting relationships? 

Come back tomorrow to explore The Vulnerable Parent.

I'm Sue Rumack, your parent-the-parent coach.  My entire goal in writing this blog is help parents who may not be able to access group or individual coaching to get as much help as they can, with each homework to make change begin to happen for themselves. Choose a week, any week and try just one of the suggestions above for that whole week.  Then let me know what changed at your house.  It's FREE and it will change your life.  

Print this post so you have the questions handy and keep it with your journal.  

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Not yet a Blog Subscriber?   Scroll to the bottom of this page and click subscribe so you won't miss a single post. 

Want to help grow your own parenting success network?  Help grow this blog by SHARING.   There is someone out there in the blogosphere waiting to read your comments.  Please help others.  

Enjoy InJOY

Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Expert, CCFL

Author:  The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose

              The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release Christmas 2014) 

Blog:         http://parentingsuccesstips.blogspot.ca/

Website:   https://www.pulseofawakening.com/parent-the-parent.html

CCFL Global Academy:  http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3
Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection  

NEED HELP? Contact  Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Mentor via email portalcoach@live.ca  subject line Parent the Parent Support. 

Remember: you can unsubscribe at anytime by clicking unsubscribe at the bottom of this page.  

Bringing Lost Souls Home Nov 22 2014

Best Success Parenting Tips : Your Own Inner Child is Raising Your Kids, Sleepin...

Best Success Parenting Tips : Your Own Inner Child is Raising Your Kids, Sleepin...: Here's a shocker, I couldn't parent my own kids, until I had parented myself out of my own immature behaviours.                 ...

Your Own Inner Child is Raising Your Kids, Sleeping with Your Husband and Embarrassing YOU at Work!

Here's a shocker, I couldn't parent my own kids, until I had parented myself out of my own immature behaviours.                                                                                

All parents make mistakes, but 40 years ago, there were few parenting resources available.   Even then, I recognized I needed to do something drastic to get better parenting results.   

Parenting myself?   It's not like I was orphaned and left alone to raise myself in the jungle of human emotions.  When you have kids, you need to become secure and grounded people raising kids who will grow up secure and grounded OR you will be living in a parenting chaos.  At 23 years old, I looked down into that pit and saw my future if something didn't change fast. A future in Parenting Hell scared me more than having to fix my own glitches.  Translation:  Re-parent yourself to be the best person to raise not only your own kids but fix yourself first.  How?

My parents were great, They prepared me to be a kind, considerate, thinking adult just like them, however I was still at the mercy of my own inner child's immaturity.

 Sit Back, and Enjoy the Inner Child ride with this Rap Video

Parent the Parent Home-Study:
How to Parent Yourself:

• Pay attention to behaviours that keep you stuck, confused or blast you out of control
• Notice how you accept or resist the responsibility of raising kids
• Notice who you are blaming for your kid's bad behaviour
• Ask yourself what you like/love or dislike about your kids regardless of their ages 
• Ask what you like/love or dislike about yourself as their parent
• Decide to change one behaviour each week until you have conquered your parenting demons.

 It's what you do next that proves you are responsible and proactive.  

My Best Parenting Teachers:  My Kids!  It was my kids who took me by the hand and led me through my mistakes and my victories so I could figure out how to get control?  Conscious parenting occurred organically as I parented my own kids, they showed me what I was doing right and what was terribly wrong.  

Inner Child Recovery:  For me, IC Recovery  began the day I noticed how often my own nasty,  jealous, trouble making inner child  messed up my parenting.  The louder my two year old daughter screamed in frustration, the louder I screamed at her in my own frustration.  This immaturity had to stop!  I had even begun nightmaring about future teenage rebellion and it really wasn't pretty.  To make it worse these inappropriate behaviours shook my marriage, and even labelled me as immature to  my boss and colleagues. 

• Tip #1   Pay attention to what triggers an Inner Child tantrum.
• Tip #2   Accept that you are your child's guide and mentor NOT their jailer or disciplinarian
• Tip #3   Recognize the flavour of each period in your kid's life - example:  teens years -  intellectual volleyball

I had to identify my behaviour triggers before my kids and their friends trusted me to share their stories.  I became the teen guide and mentor instead of their jailer, trainer or disciplinarian.  I actually enjoyed their teen years.   We played intellectual volleyball. Retaining your own Inner Child takes time and concentration, but I learned how to transform the old patterns I had grown up with.  This is something I love to teach to parents today.

The Inner Child Phenomenon:  My parents were great... creative, loving, compassionate... I still think they were pretty perfect.  In reality, they weren't perfect and neither am.  I learned my behaviours both good and bad from my parents just as they learned from theirs.  My family isn't unique. Kids copy behaviours and triggers from parents.  The key word here is TRIGGER.  Science has proven that not all genetic family patterns are genetic.  Anger management is copied, so is abuse, some addictions, business success and loving/protective family environments.  Therefore getting grounded and secure so you can be the best person to raise your kids means knowing your triggers, how to turn them on and how to turn them off.

The Nasty Place:  "Inner Child" Behaviours. Yup,  Inner Child is stuck to Inner Critic and both make a pretty invincible duo when it comes to taking the adult out of parenting behaviour.   Your deepest insecurity is heightened by judgement felt emotionally and physically when your Inner Critic bashes your Inner Child for the feelings you don't always know how to control.  Here's a well known scenario;  your two year old is tantruming for the third time this morning.  You have tried all the approved methods of control and now you are contemplating a few of the unapproved methods when your sweet angel pushes you over the edge into oblivion and you start screaming at her to do what she is told.     I'll bet you know the feeling. You know that once you've lost control, and your kids are out of control, everyone needs a timeout.  It doesn't matter whether you lose it at the beginning of the day or at the end, the result is the same...  as the parent you feel like a total mess. But this is fixable.

This blog and Parent the Parent is the right place for you if it feels like your kids are running the show and you don't know how to get control back.  Whether you are a stay-at-home parent or a time-crunched working parent who is moving at the speed of light just to keep up, you may feel like you don't have time to be the best parent and are just glad to get through another day. Visiting this blog will be the break you need where you will find humour, permission to be your best, and real tools to help you along the way.   

Please SUBSCRIBE at the bottom of the post, SHARE and VISIT us daily.  There will be expert giveaways from many other experts besides myself along with free resources and great low to no-cost programs you can join.  

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 Not yet a Blog Subscriber?   Scroll to the bottom of this page and click subscribe so you won't miss a single post. 

Want to help grow your own parenting success network?  Help grow this blog by SHARING.   There is someone out there waiting to read your comments.  Please help others.  

Enjoy InJOY

Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Expert, Author:  
       The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect With Soul and Life Purpose
       The Top 10 Tools Every Successful Parent Needs (release Christmas 2014) 

Blog:  http://parentingsuccesstips.blogspot.ca/

Website:   https://www.pulseofawakening.com/parent-the-parent.html

***  CCFL Global Academy:  http://www.CCFLGlobalAcademy.com?ref=3 
Parenting Resources- 31 parenting experts, free videos, courses, 1:1 connection  

NEED HELP? Contact  Sue Rumack, Parent the Parent Mentor via Parent the Parent Mentoring Groups Support  or email portalcoach@live.ca  subject line Parent the Parent Support. 

Best Success Parenting Tips : REALLY? Impolite, manipulative kids are more succe...

Best Success Parenting Tips : REALLY? Impolite, manipulative kids are more succe...: Here is the dilemma facing modern parents:  How do we teach our kids to be polite, respectful AND successful in a society that reward...